Whispers of Her (The Truth Series Book 3) Page 2

  “I know this is a dumb question, but I have to ask,” she said.

  I turned to look at her as the main hospital doors whooshed open and we stepped out into the late spring air.

  “Are you curious about what happened to Walker?”

  I stopped walking and stared at her. Maybe I should wonder what happened, but I didn’t care anymore.

  “Really? You’re worried about Walker right now? You do realize Mama or Xander could be just around the corner, right?”

  “Sorry, bad timing. I just . . . you didn’t see him that day he came by the apartment begging to know where you were.”

  “What are you saying, Emma?” I asked, not bothering to hide my irritation. I was sick and tired of acting like nothing was wrong. I’d said what others wanted me to my entire life.

  “Ya know, you’re right. I shouldn’t have said anything about him. I’m just worried after you had said he was arrested. I don’t even know who to call to find out.”

  “He’s grown. I’m sure he can take care of himself.”

  “Yeah, I guess so,” Emma said.

  We walked through the hospital parking lot without saying another word. I knew I shouldn’t have been sharp with Emma, but Walker was the furthest thing from my mind.

  Emma unlocked the blue Nissan Sentra, and we loaded our bags into the trunk and hopped in the car. The silence drew me in like a warm blanket. If I tried hard enough, maybe I could disappear inside it. I’d spent the last year running from Mama and right into the arms of a man who almost killed me. I was tired of being seen.

  I stared out the window and once again said goodbye to everything I cared about. My only hope was that Xander Koffman would rot in hell for what he’d done to my baby and me. Even that would be too good for him.

  * * *

  May was beautiful in Eugene, but I knew it would already be warm and humid in Arkansas.

  Emma and I stepped off the late-afternoon flight and walked into the crowded Little Rock airport.

  “Emma! Lacey!”

  I turned to see Jim and Linda. Linda bobbed up and down on her toes as she waved to us.

  “Guess they’re glad we’re home,” Emma said and nudged me with her elbow.

  The minute we reached them, Linda wrapped her arms around me. Her tears tickled my face as she squeezed me so tightly I almost stopped breathing. “Oh honey, you’re so skinny. I can feel your ribs. Jim, let’s get the girls some food. By the time we reach Hot Springs, it’ll be time for dinner anyway.”

  Linda released me, grabbed Emma, and pulled her in for a hug. I glanced sideways at Jim, afraid to see his expression. I’d been a big disappointment, and I wasn’t sure I could face him.

  “Come here,” he said. He wrapped his arms around me as I leaned my head against his shoulder. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I broke down. All the fear and anger balled up inside me came rolling out like a tidal wave. My shoulders shook as Jim hugged me.

  “It’s okay, Lacey,” Jim said as he patted my back. “You’re home and safe. We’re here to help you. You’re not alone, ever.”

  I pulled away and wiped my nose on the sleeve of my shirt. I chewed my lip at the awkward silence. I knew they loved me, but this wasn’t how I’d ever intended on coming back to Arkansas. My eyes burned as I rubbed my eyes and attempted to smile.

  “Alright girls, let’s find something to eat,” Linda said as she dabbed at her own tears. “I’m just so grateful you both made it home safely.”

  We walked through the airport and grabbed our luggage. I sucked in a quick breath of air as we stepped outside. The humidity smothered me. I hated it. I might have missed my friends, but not the muggy Southern weather.

  I followed them as we located the car and once again tossed our luggage into the trunk. My stomach flipped as it dawned on me that I was really back in Arkansas. I struggled not to scream in the middle of the airport parking lot. I had left for a reason. I didn’t want to be here.

  I should be in Oregon right now with George, Adalyn, and Cassidy. I should be finishing finals and making plans for the summer. I should be . . . pregnant.

  But instead, here I stood, stripped of everything I cared about. Scared. Angry. And other times, an empty shell, void of emotion. How would I ever move past this?

  A tight fist clenched around my heart. An empty darkness seeped inside me, and I let it. At least I knew what to expect.

  I stared out the window as Jim drove us back to Hot Springs. It wasn’t long before he pulled the car into Rod’s Pizza Cellar. I wasn’t sure I could even eat an entire piece. My diet had consisted of mostly Pepsi and rum over the last six months.

  We settled into a booth and ordered. I glanced up at the movie screen. The Three Stooges was playing. Rod’s always played black-and-white movies without sound. I used to find it annoying, but now I was just like them—unable to find my voice.

  “Girls, I wanted to let you know that we paid your rent for three months. We didn’t want you to be stressed, Emma, and we also thought it would give you some time to heal before searching for a job, Lacey.”

  “Daddy! You and Mom didn’t need to do that, but thank you! Oh gosh, I can focus on finals, and then I start my new job. Thank you!” Emma squealed. She hopped out of the chair and hugged them.

  “Thank you,” I whispered. “That’ll help a lot.” I glanced at Emma. It hadn’t dawned on me that I would have to pay my half of the bills. My heart pounded against my chest at the thought of going back to work. I didn’t trust people anymore. How was I going to deal with them at a job again? How was I even going to get out of bed in the morning?

  “Lacey?” Linda asked. “You okay, honey?”

  “Yeah, sorry. I—I guess I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.”

  “I think it would be a good idea if you saw someone. I mean a counselor. You’re going to need some help, more than we can give you. It’s going to take some time to get back on your feet. And—and losing a baby is something you never fully recover from.”

  My head snapped up at her words.

  “I’ve had two miscarriages,” she continued.

  “You have?”

  “I was depressed for months. Jim wasn’t sure what to do for me. I kept insisting on trying again, and it was just too soon. Eventually, I did move forward. It was easier when Emma came along, but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through,” she said as her voice trailed off.

  Emma reached over and grabbed her mom’s hand.

  “We’re just so glad you didn’t—we’re just happy that you’re still with us,” Linda said.

  I wasn’t. I wasn’t happy to be here. Anger flickered through me that I hadn’t died in the fire and I was sitting here instead.

  I wiped away the tear that had snuck down my cheek and then, I lied. “Me too.”

  Chapter 3

  The sun had set by the time we arrived at the apartment. My stomach rolled as we ascended the stairs. The pizza wasn’t sitting well.

  We hugged everyone goodbye, and Emma closed the door behind us.

  “Come on, I’ll help you put your stuff away,” she said and lugged my suitcase down the hallway.

  I followed her and turned the light on in the master bedroom. I stared at the same furniture, beige carpet, and adjoining bathroom I’d left a year ago. Nothing had changed. Nothing except me.

  Emma walked over and opened the curtains. The city lights twinkled underneath the night sky.

  “You have a great view,” she said.

  I nodded as she tossed the suitcase on the bed, unlocking the latches and flipping the lid back. I opened the drawers and began putting clothes away as Emma handed them to me. I wasn’t in the mood to talk, and I suspected she didn’t know what to say anyway. I guess that worked out for both of us.

  I closed the last drawer and tucked the suitcase away in the closet.

  “I’m exhausted,” I said as I stared at the floor. I doubted I could sleep, but I wanted to be alone.

  “Sure, oka
y. If you need anything, let me know,” Emma said as she hugged me. “I know this isn’t what you wanted, but I’m so glad you’re here.”

  I didn’t respond as she left me standing in the middle of my bedroom. I walked across the room, closed the door, and turned off the light. I figured I’d only manage to toss and turn, but I crawled into bed anyway and pulled the covers over my head. I had no plan of leaving this spot anytime soon.

  * * *

  Unfortunately, morning came, and Emma flung my bedroom door open.

  “I made coffee and waffles. Come on,” she said and motioned for me to get up.

  I glared at her as I slipped out of bed.

  “I know you’d rather stay in here all day, but classes start in an hour, and I wanted to see you before I left.”

  I knew there was no point arguing, so I followed her down the hallway and into the small dining room. I pulled the chair out from the little round table and sunk into it. The newspaper sat on top of a few magazines. I almost picked it up, but then I remembered sitting in the same place almost a year ago, reading about Susan dying and Walker getting married. I figured I’d pass.

  “Here ya go,” Emma said and placed a plateful of waffles in front of me. She followed that with a cup of coffee.

  “I can’t eat all this,” I muttered, poking at my food with the fork.

  “Well, try. I don’t know how you did it, but you’ve lost weight since you moved. Mom and Daddy made me swear I wouldn’t let you lie in bed all day, and that I’d feed you.”

  I glanced up from my plate as my eyes narrowed. I wasn’t sure why that pissed me off, but it did.

  “I drank,” I snapped.

  “What? What do you mean?” Emma asked as she peered at me.

  “I mean I drank rum and Pepsi more than I ate. That’s how I lost weight.”

  “You were drinking?”

  “That’s what I said.” I folded my arms in front of me as we stared at each other.

  “Why did you disappear, Lacey?” Emma whispered. I couldn’t miss the pain in her voice.

  I leaned back in my chair. Deep down I realized Emma wasn’t trying to pry, but it felt like it.

  “Because you were right.”

  Emma waited for me to continue.

  “You were right about Xander. I figured it out too late and wanted to call, but I couldn’t. Not only did he monitor the phone bill, but I was too embarrassed to pick up the phone and ask for help. By that time, I figured I deserved what I got, and I should just stay with him.”

  Emma’s eyes widened as the words left my mouth. Maybe this was too much for her to hear over breakfast. “That’s not true! You don’t really believe that, do you?”

  “Why wouldn’t I, Emma? What in the hell makes you think that anything that’s happened in my life has shown me any different? I’m not like you. My family isn’t like yours.” My voice stepped up an octave. “I don’t have good things fall in my lap and parents who love me more than life itself. So, yes, when I realized how much I’d screwed up, I figured I deserved it,” I said. I scooted the dining room chair away from the table and stood up.

  “Where are you going?” Emma asked. Worry spread across her face.

  “I’m not hungry.” I stomped down the hall and slammed my bedroom door behind me in case she hadn’t gotten the message. I closed my curtains and crawled back into bed. Minutes later I heard the front door close. I stared at the wall until my eyelids grew heavy, and I drifted into a fitful sleep.

  * * *

  I wasn’t sure what time it was when I woke up, but it was dark, which meant it was most likely after 9 p.m.

  The low rumblings of the TV floated down the hall as I peered around the room. I ignored the growling in my stomach and decided to wait until Emma went to bed to find some food. I preferred something to drink, but Emma hadn’t seemed too crazy about the idea. It wasn’t her choice, though. She hadn’t just survived losing a baby and almost being murdered by her boyfriend. And I sure as hell hadn’t asked anyone to save me.

  I pushed the blankets off and walked over to the window. If I remembered correctly, we’d passed a liquor store when Jim brought us home, and it was right up the street. I chewed on my bottom lip as I planned my escape.

  I hurried back to bed when I heard Emma’s footsteps approaching. My bedroom door cracked open, and a small stream of light peeked through. I lay still so she’d think I was sleeping. She closed the door again.

  I waited for twenty minutes and then changed into a clean T-shirt and shorts. I put my tennis shoes on, grabbed my purse, and tiptoed down the hallway. I checked for my key before slipping out of the apartment and into the muggy night air.

  Lightning bugs lit up across the lawn as I quietly made my way down the stairs and across the parking lot. Most of the complex was quiet, and the majority of people’s lights were off.

  I walked through the grass and stayed close to the street lamps so I could see. Memories of walking across the university campus for the first time came tumbling back. My heart ached to be back there.

  I took a deep breath and kept walking. Minutes later, I opened the door to the well-lit liquor store. I nodded at the female cashier, who looked like she was barely over twenty-one, and located the cheapest rum they had. I grabbed three bottles and a six-pack of Pepsi. I hoped that if I drank enough, I could fall asleep for a while without the nightmares. I’d thought they were bad after Mama, but nothing compared to the memories of the fire and Xander’s foot repeatedly hammering into my stomach.

  I took my items to the counter and prayed I wouldn’t get carded. I was a year away from being twenty-one, but luckily, Hot Springs wasn’t big on asking for ID.

  I breathed a quiet sigh of relief as the cashier rang me up. She cast occasional glances at my hair, though. I hadn’t bothered inspecting myself in the mirror lately, nor had I brushed my hair since I’d been back.

  “Hang on a minute.” I grabbed a Budweiser baseball cap on the nearby hat stand and returned to the counter.

  “Good idea,” she said and rang it up. “That’ll be fourteen twenty-eight.” She grabbed a brown paper bag and placed my rum and soda in it.

  “Leave the hat out, please,” I said.

  “Another good idea,” she said, smirking as she handed it to me.

  I put the hat on and laid my money on the counter. “Pretty sure you don’t get paid to insult your customers,” I said and glared at her. I picked up my bag and walked off before she had time to reply. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone’s shit.

  As I let myself back into the apartment, I leaned on the front door as quietly as possible until it clicked into place, then I turned the deadbolt as slowly as I could. I glanced down the hall, but didn’t see any lights coming from Emma’s room. I grabbed a tall glass from the kitchen before once again tiptoeing down the hallway.

  I closed my door and walked to my bathroom. I couldn’t take a chance of her hearing the paper bag as I lifted my soda and rum out of it. I took the rum out of the bag, opened the bottle, and poured a third of the alcohol into my cup. Then I pulled out a can of Pepsi and topped off the rest of the glass.

  I lowered the toilet seat, sat down, and sipped my drink. It had been a few weeks since I’d had any alcohol. I stared at the fizzy bubbles and remembered the last time exactly. I’d already been drinking the night I took the pregnancy test, so I figured one more wouldn’t hurt, even after the results came back positive. I hadn’t touched anything since. In some ways it seemed like yesterday, and in other ways, it seemed like it had all happened a lifetime ago.

  I took a big drink and winced as the rum hit the back of my throat. I hoped it wouldn’t be long before the alcohol took effect. I was ready to not feel anything and get some sleep. If I wasn’t in control of the ongoing rollercoaster of fear, depression, and anger, then it was safest to smother it with rum.

  I took another long drink and set the glass on the tiny bathroom counter. I thought about how large the bathrooms were at Xander’s hou
se and bit my lip. When would I stop seeing him everywhere I looked? I put the rum back in the paper bag, opened the cabinet door, and shoved it under the sink. I rearranged the toilet paper rolls, soap, and tampons in front of it. I would have to think of a better way to hide it later.

  I took my cup and pulled open the curtain in the bedroom. I leaned against the wall and stared out at the city, wondering if anyone else was looking out their window, or if I was alone.

  My muscles began to relax in my neck and back, and a quiet sigh escaped me. The familiar tingle of the rum traveled through my body. Oblivion wasn’t too far away.

  My drink was almost finished as I closed my eyes, but the moment I did, the visions came rushing back. The flames catching the curtains on fire as I lay on the floor with my hands and feet bound. My eyes shot open, and my breath quickened as I tried to focus on the stars in the sky. I took another drink. Anything to make it stop.

  Chapter 4

  I woke up sitting on my floor with my back against the wall. My empty glass had fallen over. At some point, I’d pulled the blankets off the bed and wrapped myself in them.

  I grabbed the edge of my dresser and pulled myself up slowly. My head throbbed as I found my balance. What in the hell had happened? I didn’t remember anything after the first few drinks. I sure as hell had never experienced a hangover. And not to mention that my room reeked of rum.

  The bright sunshine rushed in as I opened my curtain and pushed the window up. I grabbed the fan and faced it out the window, turning the knob to high. I stumbled to the shower and turned it on. Hopefully the fan and the smell of my shampoo and body wash would do the trick. Maybe I’d crack the window next time. If Emma walked in now, I’d be in deep shit.

  By the time I’d dried my hair and dressed in a clean shirt and shorts, my bedroom smelled much better. My head still pounded, but I hoped drinking some water would fix that. Apparently, after not drinking for a while, I’d managed to experience my first hangover. George would be disappointed.

  I removed the fan from my window and leaned against the wall. I needed to write George a letter, but I didn’t know what to say. He already knew I missed him. Maybe I could find a “Hello from Hell” postcard.